This is, I have learned, a zephyrometer, located in Wellngton.

You see, many places in NZ use their traditional Maori name. Which is really cool. It’s just that some of them are bloody hard to pronounce.

You think I’m joking?

And before anyone gets tetchy, I know that Kiwis in Australia have just as much trouble with Uluru, Woolloomooloo, Sudney, and Brusbane.

Like I said, ours are different countries, which is why this blog is dedicated to deciphering NZ for you all.

Anyway, during the last few days, there has been a bit of controversy because Wanganui is thinking of changing its name to the correct Maori spelling of Whanganui.

A small difference you might think, just a trifling matter.

Personally I couldn’t care less, as I’m sure I’ve heard both versions being used anyway.

But it’s not a completely trivial issue, because the pronunciation of the “wh” is one of the biggest traps for a foreigner.

To explain the difference, take the classic example of the town of Whakatane. I want you to say it out loud.

Done it? Good.

Now, if you’re an Aussie, you probably just said whack-a-taine. Fair enough, that’s what it looks like. But you’re way off base.

The “wh” is actually pronounced as a “f” sound. So you should actually be saying fuck-a-ta-nay. True story.

Now let me tell you, when you hear an old lady of little kid say this, it gives you pause. It’s not often you get the f-bomb being incorporated into names of towns.

I think it’s brilliant, but let me tell you, when you first move over here, it can be really whuking conwhusing.

Arrived there after lunch on the Saturday, and the car-park in Mill Rd was completely full of cars. Would have been 70+ at a conservative estimate.

Something told me this was just a tad bigger than Eskdale.

There were busses towing bike trailers, and a bike hire crew set up on site with about 50+ bikes available.

There were dudes in full-on body armour and friggin’ motorcross helmets, and little kids that must have been riding almost $1000 worth of kit.

Told you Kiwis take their outdoor sports seriously.

Happy to report there wasn’t too much lycra to be seen, just the odd person here and there. Probably Aucklanders. I didn’t get close enough to see if they’d shaved their legs.

We checked out two of the tracks over the weekend. Rode one twice and the other just the once.

Creek Track

First one we tackled was the Creek Track. I can’t recommend it highly enough, it has a bit of everything. A few climbs, some great faster sections, and enough technical parts to keep you on your toes.

Only came to grief once on a bit of a tricky drop where I chickened out halfway down. The kids riding past giggling just after me wasn’t exactly ego-boosting, but hey, it was my first time there.

Dipper

On the second day we started by trying out Dipper.

Holy shit, how much fun is this track. Only a few little climbs, it feels as though you almost hardly have to pedal.

And the berms! Oh the glorious berms! They let you take the corners absolutely flat out.

Brakes are another thing you don’t need too much of on Dipper.

Happy to report I didn’t get laughed at by any kiddies this time.

Finished off by going ’round Creek again to end a top couple of days of riding.

Highly recommend this place to anyone hankering for a good fun ride. We didn’t even scratch the surface of the park on our visit, but it caters for beginners through to the experts. Christ knows where the guy in the body armour was heading, but it wouldn’t have been the kiddie’s track.

Only thing I would recommend would be that you drop $5 on a map at any of the local bike shops. There are so many tracks there, and they intersect quite a bit, and it’s pretty easy to get confused as to where you are and where to go next.

Whoever’s responsible for building and maintaining the tracks, you deserve a friggin’ medal. Consider yourselves Fush’n'Chups honourary Australians.

Shall definitely visit again, so if you guys have any suggestions as to what tracks to tackle next, leave a comment below.

In one way or another (probably a combination of osmosis, shame, and a realisation of how unfit we were) this has prompted us to take up mountain biking.

For someone previously completely unfit, I am now showing signs of developing actual muscles in my legs. True story.

NZ has some seriously impressive areas of land set aside for mountain bike parks, not least of which is my local, the Eskdale Mountain Bike Park.

Top of the Thistle trail.

It consists of around 300 hectares of forestry land, with about 75km of purpose built biking trails, ranging from nice-and-easy beginners’ circuits through to hardcore downhill sections.

So far we’ve tackled the gentler parts of the park that don’t involve (too many) climbs, so I’ll give an overview of th tracks we’ve ridden below.

Pace

A hugely fun course, consisting of fast smooth bits, some slower, rougher, more technical bits, and one bastard of a dip that I just can’t get across properly. Definitely our favourite.

A dip on Pace.

Merv’s

A nice fun ride. Can do it pretty quickly, but you have to be careful of the sections where you need to dodge narrow gaps between trees or take the odd sharp corner.

Boulder

A lot more challenging, has a few more climbs and also some pretty demanding descents. Also part of the track you are on the side of a pretty steep hill that you definitely do not want to fall down. Brilliant fun.

Sandpit

A longer easy ride, takes you almost the length of the lower part of the park. Great one for beginners, or cross country riders.

Thistle

A good fun up-and-down track. Branches off Boulder, involved a bit of a climb, followed by a flat-out descent down towards the end of Merv’s track. Not as fun as Boulder or Pace, but worth doing.

Bottom of the Thistle trail.

Shall keep you updated as we tackle more tracks. Need to build up the old legs a bit before having a crack at some of the more challenging tracks though!

We’d only been to Rotorua once before, and the memories came flooding back through our nostrils the minute we wound down the car window on our way into town.

For those of you unfamiliar with this part of NZ, there is significant “thermal activity” to be found there.And it smells like it.

I was always under the impression that the locals just ate too many baked beans, but no, apparently it’s the bubbling mud pools which create the stench.

"Thermal activity" - One of Rotorua's smaller bubbling mud pools.

The smell is pretty striking when you’re just visiting the place, but I suppose the locals get used to it.

Scientists tell us that the smell is actually an aphrodisiac, but I highly doubt it. It just smells like the whole town let rip at once.

It still got me to thinking, does good old-fashioned flatulence still provide the giggles to Rotoru-ians that it does to others?

Do schoolboys still snicker when someone lets rip? Or doesn’t it have the same impact?

Can blokes get away with letting out a silent-but-deadly in bed next to the missus?

How do people tell when their eggs have gone off?

These are some of the questions I pondered on the drive home. Mine’s an inquiring mind.

It was a great weekend, but it’s good to breathe the clean-green air of Hawke’s Bay again.

The landscape of New Zealand is completely unlike Australia. It is often breathtaking beautiful, and also somewhat alien to an expat-Australian used to wide open, flat scenery.And  this is also possibly why NZ is a popular destination for the baby-boomer crew looking for a nice safe coach tour.

The first thing that strikes you are the hills. They’re just different from anything in Australia, due to NZ being such an unstable, earthquake-prone, and volcanic landmass. As you can see above, there are juts of land that you can just tell have been violently pushed upwards, and results are dramatic.

Also, at times, you can really see why The Lord of the Rings was filmed here. It’s just like The Shire. And yes, Kiwis can remind you of Hobbits, but more on that in a later post.

New Zealand is in some ways a country of extremes, but in a different way to Australia. In Aus, there are bushfires and drought. In a way, NZ seems more exposed. There are earthquakes, volcanoes, but yet a wonderful fertile land from which the world’s most beautiful ewes are grown.

It doesn’t look like home, but I’m pleased to have lived here.

If you’re an Australian, it help to get a sense of perspective, and to adjust your expectations accordingly.

Not that Australia is a big country (population wise), but still, compared to NZ, it’s a friggin’ thriving metropolis.

Some facts and figures are provided below to get you started.

The Basics

New Zealand is a country of four million people and 12,529,737 (very attractive, I must say) sheep located in the Pacific Ocean.

It consists of two main islands, imaginatively names the North Island and South Island. Scientists expect the number to increase over time as continuous earthquakes shake apart each landmass*.

Main Centres

Over a quarter of the population live in Auckland, located up the top of the North Island. It’s a big soul-less horrible place really, but Sydney-siders would probably like it. Quite pretty around the harbour, but the rest consists of pretty much Queen St and then suburbs.

Auckland, pretty from afar.

The capital city, Wellington, is a little ripper of a city. It boasts the highest number of good bars and restaurants per capita than any city wordwide* (including the best friggin’ cajun joint I’ve ever patronised). However, the weather in Wellington sucks. It rains, it blows. During winter they often have to rope off the area around intersections to prevent pedestrians being blow into the middle of the road. True story.

Wellington - on a drab day, but beautiful.

In a nutshell, Wellington is to Auckland what Melbourne is to Sydney.

Also, Lord of the Rings was filmed in Wellington, how many cities can claim that?

Other major centres include Palmerston North, which is an equal mix of university students from Massey University and dairy farmers. Actually a nice little town, the CBD has some great pubs and restaurants.

Hawke’s Bay bills itself an New Zealand’s “Wine Country”, which is fair considering the bazillion wineries there. Home to lots of smug people thinking they live in “God’s Own” country (not completely unjustifiably).

View from Te Mata Peak, Napier, Hawkes Bay. Love those fault-lines!

Tarinaki has a big mountain and rains a lot. Apparently Tom Cruise’s “The Samuri” was filmed there. Can’t comment further as I haven’t actually been there.

Roturua, or “Roto-Vegas” absolutely stinks. It’s located on top of a frigging volcano, and the sulphurous stench is confronting, but I guess you’d get used to it after a while. Apparently has great mountain-biking, shall report back on that soon.

Hamilton (aka Hamil-tron) is another big-ish town. Having only driven through it once, can’t really comment.

To round out our description of the main population centres, Taupo has a big lake and is a favourite of Kiwis with holiday bachs (shacks to us Aussies). Good for fishing and waterskiing, so I’m told.

In terms of the South Island, I can’t comment too much as I’ve only visited Dunedin for a few days, and came home with webbed feet. Home to Speight’s brewery and was settled by Scots. Probably nice to visit, but buggered if I’d live there.

That’ll do for now, more info from the front line coming soon.

* All facts and figures completely fabricated.