Fush 'n' Chups

Latest happenings from the T20 World Cup:

• The Aussies are eliminated, because they’re rubbish at Twenty20. Actually they’re a bit rubbish all-round at the moment.
• NZ lose against Seth Efrica on the last ball, but still proceed into the next stage of the tournament.

The big news though that’s got everyone talking around the water coolers in NZ is Jesse Ryder’s groin muscle injury. The big fella wasn’t fit to play SA (reason why they lost obviously), and instead has been hospitalised and is undergoing tests on the *ahem* muscle.

What these tests are expected to find remains a mystery.

When I first heard about the nature if his injury, I was a bit concerned, to put it mildly. Then I remembered Shoaib Akhtar wasn’t playing in the tournament, so he can’t have passed on anything contagious.

So it must actually be a muscular complaint. Given that Jesse’s pretty much vital to NZ progressing any further in the tournament, John Key should put aside the GFC and organise a 24 hour around-the-clock team of Swedish masseuses to get Jesse up raring to go for the next match.

And before any of you Black Caps fans start busting my chops about Australia’s early exit, let me just say the following:

• Test matches are real cricket, alright? T20 is not.
• We weren’t actually trying to win. Nathan Hauritz had a bowl for god’s sake.
• JRod over at Cricket with Balls also has a handy list of excuses.
• Finally, we beat you in the 1981 one-day series. To refresh your memory, see below.

Ahh, it never gets old does it?

Memo England: this is how you do it against the minnows of world cricket.

Of course, the Poms don’t have a certain bandana-loving run machine to score a breezy 31, and the soon-to-be New South Welshman Brendan McCullum who put on 51 runs in three overs in partnership with Ryder.

Funny old match though. I never knew Twenty20 games could be shortened due to rain. I mean, once the weather cleared, surely they could have just played for another hour or so and finished off the match properly?

I mean, this hardly counts as a game of cricket, does it? I’ve seen Year 4 kids get through more over than this at recess.

Still, a win is a win. Next up is South Africa.

I’ve heard it’s now been shorn off. But in passing, just to commemorate its existence, behold, Daniel Vettori’s “Ned Kelly” beard.

May it rest in peace.

Well, the Fush ‘n’ Chups readers have spoken.

Should Jesse Ryder defect to Australia?

Yes – 40%

No – 29%

I like bandanas, you pruck! – 31%

A few people seem to want Jesse Ryder to stay in NZ, but this is a democracy, and the majority agree with my most excellent suggestion, along with a few weirdos who are into cotton headgear.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jesse will make the move, but with a big suitcase full of bandanas.

I think I can live with this. I mean, Funky Miller had died blue hair there for a while, which really clashed with the baggy green. And he won the Aussie Test cricketer of the year.

I might even organise a Fush’n'Chups endorsed bandana for the big fella. What more incentive could he ask for?

Welcome aboard Jesse.

Too fat they said. BMI too high. Drinks too much. Has difficulties using the handle on the toilet door late at night.

Well look who’s smashed the Indian attack to all corners of the park and scored himself a big fat double ton, before running out of puff.

That’s right, the much-maligned Jesse Ryder.

BTW, Khan, Sharma, and Harbajan Singh aren’t exactly pie chuckers. This was a magnificent effort.

Alas, when he got to 201, after eight hours at the crease, he decided he couldn’t be buggered going on, and promptly returned to the sheds to rehydrate.

What an innings.

What a statement.

Where’s the criticism now? I’m looking at you, Adam Parore.

It got me to thinking, has Jesse done an OE? Would he perhaps like to ply his trade somewhere overseas for a while?

If you ignore those funny little bandanas he likes so much, he’s really a cricketer in the greatest of Aussie traditions: slightly overweight and can murder a beer.

Examples include Merv Hughes, Shane Warne, and the greatest of them all, David Boon. More recently, the Aussie team hasn’t been the same since Darren Lehmann left the scene.

Give me these blokes over your modern-day media-managed calorie-counting tea-totalitarianist uber-professionals any day I say.

Couldn’t see any of them sinking 52 tinnies on the flight between Sydney and Heathrow before casually plundering the Poms, a la Boonie.

Jesse, New Zealand cricket does not deserve your services, after the shabby way you’ve been treated. They didn’t recognise your talent, they banned you for a mishap with the toilet door, but now they’re more than happy to let you score the bulk of the runs (apologies to Ross Taylor). You could provide just the thing the Aussie team is missing.

You’d only have to move across, get a few half-decent scores for a while in Shield cricket until you were eligible, and then just as Ricky Ponting retires, slot in at first drop. Who knows, your wobbly little medium pacers could even come in handy.

I know it’d be taking a step down to a lower level for a bit until representing Aus, but just think, you wouldn’t have to wear those silly new stormtrooper-style uniforms they’re making you wear ever again.

Think about it.