Archive for April, 2009

Cold Turkey: How to ease the withdrawal from AFL coverage in NZ

April 8, 2009 at 8:58 pm · Filed under Aussie Rules

Well, the AFL season has kicked off again. That’s aussie rules football for the Kiwis.

I should be pumped, especially as my team won the premiership last season.

And I sort of am.

I keep up to date with the latest news and results, injuries, form, drunken escapades and court appearances of my team’s players via Real Footy and the Hun. I visit various fan forums to keep abreast of the latest inside gossip and conspiracy theories.

But it’s really just not the same, because there aint no footy on the TV here folks.

Nothing reminded me that I was in a different country more than the complete absence of and AFL in any news media over here. It’s a rugby country, unfortunately.

So, for the poor old Aussie immigrant from one of the football states, there are slim pickings if you actually want to catch a match live.

However, we have to make do with what’s on offer, and so here are some resources to ease the withdrawal tremors.

Pay TV

To say there’s no AFL on television isn’t completely correct: if you have Sky pay TV then you can get some limited coverage.

However I believe that, for your dough, you get one live Friday night match and one 60 minute highlights package of the rest of the weekend’s games.

60 minutes isn’t enough to fit in each weekends’ Buddy Franklin highlights package, so I hardly see the point. Therefore, you’re basically you’re stuck with the Friday night match. If you want to pay $75 a month for that, then fine, but I’m obviously a cheapskate.

Streaming Radio

Luckily, you can get live streaming radio via the intertubes very easily. Both SEN and MMM have live radio streams where you can listen in live to Buddy’s latest haul of goals.

However I do find that at match time often their sites become overloaded, so often it’s best to go to the AFL official site, where there is a Live Match section, which contains links to the radio streams of various stations. These seem to work pretty well.

This is the way I caught last year’s Grand Final. Beers, a barbie, and the laptop plugged into the stereo playing the Hawks’ pantsing of Geelong. Wasn’t as good as being there, wasn’t as good as watching on the tele, but by god, still pretty sweet.

So, there you go. This is the best solution I’ve managed to come up with so far. I think Bigpond have some sort of video streaming of matches available, but I haven’t really tried it, as I just know the quality is bound to be crapola. Not sure it’s even available outside Aus actually.

If you just want to watch the matches and don’t care if they’re live, then you’re in luck. Thanks to the goodness of P2P downloads, it is possible to get hold of the the match broadcasts. So I’m told, I mean. I wouldn’t personally know about that. But if you want more info, email me. Not that I could really help (but seriously, email me).

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Glossary done!

April 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm · Filed under General, Trans-Tasman Relations

Thanks to your feedback, I’ve ended up with a pretty good list. This blog is going to provide potential Australian immigrants with some useful information if it kills me, and by golly, this is a small but significant step in bridging the language barrier.

A few entries are still marked as contentious, so will try to find evidence either for or against those asap.

But I swear my old New World had a trundler bay.

And I’ve heard the term click-clack. In a furniture store. And what noise do futons make when you fold them out?

Exactly.

The link’s up there at the top of the page.

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The NZ/AU Glossary Project

April 6, 2009 at 8:53 pm · Filed under Trans-Tasman Relations

We all know Australia and New Zealand have a shared geopolitical history and have (reasonably) close cultural bonds. Honestly, we do really like each other.

However, one thing Aussies might find if they decide to move here is that it seems at time as though Kiwis speak a different language.

Now, I’m not talking about the whole vowel-pronunciation problem. That’s been done to death. Nobody gives a shut any more, okay?

What I’m talking about are the different terms used to describe everyday, normal objects.

For example, in the first few months after moving here, I put my shopping in a trundler, received funny looks when asking for a pair of thongs in a shoe shop, got a blank look when inquiring about a queen-sized doona, and my son was sent to school on their “mufti day” dressed as an Islamic scholar*.

Basically, New Zealanders seem to have either invented or inherited their own terms for a whole bunch of stuff. It’s both amusing and confusing, and so I want to set the record straight.

I’m looking to compile a glossary of these weird and wacky terms and phrases to help any Australians in future who fall into the trap of asking for a lady’s undergarment when all they want is a pair of flip-flops.

To get started, here are the ones I can think of off the top of my head:

Jersey: Not breed of cow, but rather a jumper.

Duvet: A doona.

Jandles: Thongs. Sounds like sandles, so makes sense I guess.

Click-clack: A futon. I’m serious.

Trundler: A shopping trolley. Not a completely widespread word, but funny nonetheless.

Mufti-day: Casual clothes/uniform-free day at a school.

Section: A block of land.

Plasters: Band-aids.

Twink: Tippex, or white-out. Definitely not what you were thinking.

I’m certain there are many more. I’m after your help to hopefully put together as definitive list of Kiwi-isms to help us poor immigrants out. Leave your ideas in the comments below, and I’ll compile them into a separate page on the site.

* Okay I made that one up. But I wasn’t about to let the fact that I don’t have kids get in the way of a decent one-liner.

Comments (53)

Oysters, in the raw.

April 5, 2009 at 6:32 pm · Filed under Food, General

As spotted in a New World supermarket by a reader: a special on bluff oysters.

Buff as in fit? Or as in, like, nude?

Shelled, maybe? I’ve no idea, but let me tell you, I’m intrigued.

Anyway, it could be worse. If this was my local New World it would have been “BUFF OYSTER’S”.

(Free fact: I almost bought some baby carrots in the supermarket this arvo. Until I saw they were $17.90 a kilo (!!!) Give me these naturist oysters any day.)

Also in NZ today, sheep go nuts at the “running of the sheep” in Te Kuiti and injure a spectator. I’m not making this stuff up.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend folks.

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The deviousness of DB Breweries

April 4, 2009 at 6:40 pm · Filed under Beer

A story has emerged over the last few days that one of NZ largest breweries, DB Breweries, have somehow managed to copyright the term “radler”.

Now, for the non-beer-fanatics among you, a radler is a style of beer, just as lagers, ales, bitters etc are a style of beer. Radlers originated in Germany, and it is a low-alcohol drink similar to a shandy.

Quite a few breweries around the world produce beers in the radler style, including the Green Man brewery in Dunedin, and DB’s Monteith’s brewery.

I don’t think an Australian breweries make it because, let’s be honest, it’s a shit drink. If a sheila insists on a shandy, she has lemonade mixed with whatever’s on tap. End of story.

But that’s beside the point.

Now, you may think it’s no big deal. Two breweries making a certain style of beer and naming it as such, right? Happens all the time. Just about any brewery makes a lager, a bitter, a pale ale, a stout.

But no, in this case DB have somehow managed to copyright the word “radler”, and have let their legal heavies loose on Green Man, threatening all sorts of unpleasantness unless they stop calling their beer a radler. Which they have, changing it to “Green Man Cyclist” (radler is German for cyclist. Obviously cyclists like weak beer. Unlike mountain bikers. But I digress).

Basically Green Man can’t be arsed fighting the legal threats, and have chosen the path of least resistance. Fair enough, it’s hard enough for a craft brewery to turn a profit as it is.

DB are the people responsible for Tui, BTW. Due to that fact alone, they deserve not a moment’s sympathy.

Anyway, hopefully my ramblings have made it clear that this is a gross injustice. To use an analogy probably more familiar to NZ readers, if a winery copyrighted the word “chardonnay” and then threatened legal action against anyone else calling their wine chardonnay, there would be uproar (and yes I know all about the champagne naming issue, but the point remains).

DB have exploited the ignorance of the NZ intellectual property people with regards to an obscure beer style to somehow squeeze this through. Which is amazing in itself: surely their first thing they would do would be to google the word being copyrighted?

So anyway, to cut a very long story short, the crew from RealBeer NZ are calling for a boycott on DB products. However, I don’t think this is the most effective way to teach DB a lesson, as it presumes that educated beer drinkers buy their products in the first place (yes I know a couple of Monteiths beers are passable, but they’re not exactly wonderful).

So, forget about the boycott. Instead, grab a sux-peck of one of Green Man’s brews tonight.

Comments (23)

Start a group, New Zealand.

April 3, 2009 at 9:49 pm · Filed under General

I’m not affiliated with these guys at all, I just think that these t-shirts are fantastic. I just knew there were people out these in NZ capable of producing this kind of irreverent smart-arsed stuff.

Many of you will be familiar with “moustache-gate”, but for those of you who aren’t, Paul Henry is an often funny chap who co-hosts a breakfast show over here.

He also called this a “silly little blog“, which, compared to some of the other things it’s been called, is fairly complementary.

Henry got himself into some hot water last week for reading, on-air, some viewer feedback on an interview they’d done with a lady from Greenpeace who had a bit of a shadow above her top lip.

To see the source of the controversy, watch it for yourself.

Anyway, there’s been the usual uproar, the special-interest namby-pamby fundamentalist-PC mumbo-jumbo kind of carry-on (apologies to Mr Gormsby). It’s all been pretty amusing, made even better by Henry’s refusal to apologise for anything.

Anyway, I just have to get one of these t-shirts. Well done to the Mr. Vintage crew.

Comments (7)

Carnage at the crossroads

April 2, 2009 at 9:55 pm · Filed under On the Road

I’ve been having a soul-search over the last few days.

Some of what I’ve previously written seems to have upset a few. Not as many as those who have enjoyed it, but still, it keeps me awake at night for a couple of extra minutes.

So, I’ve decided to make it up. I’m going to try to use this blog to bring a positive change to New Zealand.

In fact, I’m going to solve the biggest problem facing NZ today.

You might be thinking the credit crunch, crime, poverty, homelessness, or global warming.

But you’d be wrong. These are the boring generic problems found everywhere. The Chatham Islands might disagree on that last point, but still.

Maybe you’re thinking of something closer to home: leaky houses, low wages, John Key’s vacant grin, Jesse Ryder’s BMI, or John Henry’s rotation policy

But no, I’m talking about the abomination that is the New Zealand right-hand-turn rule.

This piece of ludicrous legislation has been a constant source of annoyance and danger every single day of my life since moving here.

Now, I know I’ve previously been a tad critical of the relative abilities of drivers in NZ. However in this case it’s really not them that’s at fault, but rather the idiot lawmakers that have imposed this stupidity. It doesn’t help of course that 42% of NZ drivers cannot use roundabouts, but in this case, they shouldn’t be the main target of the blame.

I’m absolutely certain that this is an issue that every motorist can agree on, whether you’re a born-and-bred Kiwi, or a half-wit Australian blogger.

For the uninitiated, let me explain. Consider the following intersection:

Now, a quick quiz:

In what order should the cars proceed in their desired direction?

A) Blue, yellow, red

B) Red, blue, yellow

Got your answer? Good.

The correct response, if you’re driving in NZ, would be  *drumroll* B.

I know: ridiculous, ay bro?

Still not clear? Let me show you just why this is nuts.

This is what can, and does, happen. True story.

To further understand why the laws are wrong, let’s get inside the minds of the drivers in each car.

Blue car – “Righty-oh then, I’d better give way to the red chap. Unless of course the yellow fellow behind me is planning on slipping past my rear, in which case I could in fact turn left.”

Red car – “Shut bro, I’ve got the right of way here, but I dunno what this dude in the yellow Mutsubushi is planning to do.”

Yellow car – “If this little prick in front just nudges ahead three more inches I’m gonna floor it and screw anyone who gets in the way.”

See the issue? nobody knows what the hell is going on.

And what follows is a game of chicken. It’s the scene out of Dirty Harry: just who is feeling lucky, punk? Honestly, when the light turn green at an intersection in NZ, there is a full second pause when everyone is just too scared to move a muscle.

Still need convincing? Let’s weight up the pros and cons of this debacle:

Pros: Absolutely nought.

Cons: Ambiguous, illogical, dangerous.

The better way for the vehicles to proceed is of course blue, yellow, red.The right-turner gives way to all traffic coming in the other direction. Clear and easy. The left-turner has the right of way, and thus there is no need for the car behind to slip around the side, as she only has to wait a second before they can go.

Once again, the pros and cons:

Pros: Unambiguous, logical, safe, and it works.

Cons: Occasionally it sucks to be the one turning right. Solution: have a separate “right-turn” light at the busier intersections. Solved.

Now I’m not suggesting that this way is better simply because it the sane Australian way. It’s just plain better, full stop. I’ve proven it. Semi-scientifically. With diagrams and everything.

What I’d like to know from you guys is, are there any redeeming features of the NZ way that I’m missing? Is there anything at all to be said for the status-quo? I sure as shit can’t see it.

Comments (61)

Big ol’ bushranger beard

April 1, 2009 at 5:56 pm · Filed under Crucket

I’ve heard it’s now been shorn off. But in passing, just to commemorate its existence, behold, Daniel Vettori’s “Ned Kelly” beard.

May it rest in peace.

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Beware the “wh”

April 1, 2009 at 7:37 am · Filed under General, Places

For Australians, one of the first things that strike you when you start to drive around New Zealand are the names of the places.

You see, many places in NZ use their traditional Maori name. Which is really cool. It’s just that some of them are bloody hard to pronounce.

You think I’m joking?

And before anyone gets tetchy, I know that Kiwis in Australia have just as much trouble with Uluru, Woolloomooloo, Sudney, and Brusbane.

Like I said, ours are different countries, which is why this blog is dedicated to deciphering NZ for you all.

Anyway, during the last few days, there has been a bit of controversy because Wanganui is thinking of changing its name to the correct Maori spelling of Whanganui.

A small difference you might think, just a trifling matter.

Personally I couldn’t care less, as I’m sure I’ve heard both versions being used anyway.

But it’s not a completely trivial issue, because the pronunciation of the “wh” is one of the biggest traps for a foreigner.

To explain the difference, take the classic example of the town of Whakatane. I want you to say it out loud.

Done it? Good.

Now, if you’re an Aussie, you probably just said whack-a-taine. Fair enough, that’s what it looks like. But you’re way off base.

The “wh” is actually pronounced as a “f” sound. So you should actually be saying fuck-a-ta-nay. True story.

Now let me tell you, when you hear an old lady of little kid say this, it gives you pause. It’s not often you get the f-bomb being incorporated into names of towns.

I think it’s brilliant, but let me tell you, when you first move over here, it can be really whuking conwhusing.

Comments (3)

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