Too fat they said. BMI too high. Drinks too much. Has difficulties using the handle on the toilet door late at night.
Well look who’s smashed the Indian attack to all corners of the park and scored himself a big fat double ton, before running out of puff.
That’s right, the much-maligned Jesse Ryder.
BTW, Khan, Sharma, and Harbajan Singh aren’t exactly pie chuckers. This was a magnificent effort.
Alas, when he got to 201, after eight hours at the crease, he decided he couldn’t be buggered going on, and promptly returned to the sheds to rehydrate.
What an innings.
What a statement.
Where’s the criticism now? I’m looking at you, Adam Parore.
It got me to thinking, has Jesse done an OE? Would he perhaps like to ply his trade somewhere overseas for a while?
If you ignore those funny little bandanas he likes so much, he’s really a cricketer in the greatest of Aussie traditions: slightly overweight and can murder a beer.
Examples include Merv Hughes, Shane Warne, and the greatest of them all, David Boon. More recently, the Aussie team hasn’t been the same since Darren Lehmann left the scene.
Give me these blokes over your modern-day media-managed calorie-counting tea-totalitarianist uber-professionals any day I say.
Couldn’t see any of them sinking 52 tinnies on the flight between Sydney and Heathrow before casually plundering the Poms, a la Boonie.
Jesse, New Zealand cricket does not deserve your services, after the shabby way you’ve been treated. They didn’t recognise your talent, they banned you for a mishap with the toilet door, but now they’re more than happy to let you score the bulk of the runs (apologies to Ross Taylor). You could provide just the thing the Aussie team is missing.
You’d only have to move across, get a few half-decent scores for a while in Shield cricket until you were eligible, and then just as Ricky Ponting retires, slot in at first drop. Who knows, your wobbly little medium pacers could even come in handy.
I know it’d be taking a step down to a lower level for a bit until representing Aus, but just think, you wouldn’t have to wear those silly new stormtrooper-style uniforms they’re making you wear ever again.
Think about it.
Dan said
I’m a long-time enthusiastic New Zealand cricket fan (I don’t actually go to the games or watch it live on TV but crickinfo is my homepage). I think Jesse should take your generous offer. I’ve been muttering to anyone who will listen that Jesse was treated like shit by nz cricket for ages. I mean, come on, he broke a window. That’s something that all cricketers do from the age of 7 up. Then those snooty bastards from NZC made him apologise to a global TV audience for it! Dougie Howlet gets pissed and trashes some guys car and we all go ‘oh, it’s ok, he was upset about the whole fecking up the world cup thing, in fact, we all feel like smashing cars’. Leaguees smash women, drink to falling-down, and act like the ‘boy-next-door’ all the time and we barely raise an eye-brow! Plus, Jesse broke a toilet window! (sorry about all of the exclamation marks but this really riles me up!). A toilet window! The man needed a piss and had the decency to not uninate on a shop window, the side of the field (ala Jerry Collins) or in his pant as he lay passed out with a fishing rod (didn’t think any of the boys would tell Roy, did you?).
Go Jesse. Go and be free. Although… despite what you may hear… their beer tastes like carbonated roo piss.
Jimmy said
What’s this? Trying to kiss ass now I see.
David said
That dipstick Symonds would almost fit into the list of Aussie drinkers but he doesnt have the class of big merv or the waddler Boonie. Sides he tells too many porkies, so nah guess he wouldnt qualify to be in that list, face it its for real men.
Matt said
Oh here we go. Aussies wanting to claim more Kiwi products. Why the heck dont u just try and claim the whole country?
chinachopper said
4 comments and no mention about underarm bowling? come on kiwis. we bowled an underarm.at you. australians.
bowled .
an underarm.
at you.
your country.
aussies.
at kiwis.
and won the game.
beat your team.
with an underarm bowl.
remember?
im dissapointed guys.
Andrew McCarthy said
This is the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time. I don’t normally bother to respond to ANYTHING on the web, but I’d like to defend your right to take the piss out of Kiwis in such a clever way. In a lot of ways, the funniest things on the blog are the brainless responses from retarded fellow Kiwis (not fellow retarded Kiwis, ahem) which just shows how alive and well ignorance is in our fair nation. Good on you, digger, stick it to us!
Ryan Schneider said
Great site, am joining Andrew Mc in enjoying the stupid, cold hearted of resposes of so many of my humourless countrymen (and women) … not to say of course there aren’t just as many per capita morons across the ditch.. but really as if Jesse could decide to flip allegiances just like that.. yep just like Phar Lap & Russell Crow *LOL*
Donna said
Great site, love it, keep on taking the puss and telling us how it is. For those without a sense of humour try Stuff, Herald or TV3, they are wucked at taking this blog out of context and causing unecessary grief. Good on you, this really is Pure NZ!!!
Dave said
As am I.
It’s seriously depressing to see the aggressive, foul-mouthed “comments” by people who are far to eager to take umbrage at being criticised by an outsider rather than actually looking at what is being said.
This blog is amusing, gentle, balanced, and above all, honest. The writer writes about what he likes and dislikes about New Zealand as he sees it. It’s not biased, or an anti-New Zealand rant, it’s an account of this gentleman’s NZ experiences both good and bad. This kind of honesty is very valuable, especially considering the amount of biased promoting flooding the world. If I was visiting a place, I’d rather have balanced and impartial anecdotes from someone that’s been there rather than pages of advertising from a paid company. As a New Zealander, I appreciate outsiders commenting. We all need input from people outside our little circles, people who are not our friends and relatives who wish to tell us what we want to hear, people who are not our enemies who wish to condemn us unreservedly. These outside viewpoints can offer insights, and can show us what is good and what is bad, what we should treasure and seek to protect, and also what we should endeavour to improve. As such, it is truly valuable; we should hear it, listen to it, discuss it’s validity, and think about what to do with it if it’s true.
Rabid comments of the “F you Auzzie, go home!” type are arrogant and undeservedly vicious attacks, and are thus far more harmful and insulting to New Zealand than any comment this writer has made on his blog. If those writers truly cannot handle any gentle honest criticism like this blog, and respond by immediately attacking the writer for being Australian, then my personal belief is that they should migrate to China, where such thinking is common and encouraged by the government. New Zealand is better than this. Our culture is better than this. Our education is better than this. Stop being so demeaning to yourselves, your culture, and your country.
Dave
Tanya said
I am a kiwi chick born and bred. Did spend 20 years living and playing hard in Sydney but am now back living in God’s own (thats NZ to you ockers). Have just been skyping with my father in Sydney who has told be about your fantastic site.
I have been having a great laugh at all the Kiwi knobs that don’t have a sense of humour. If they don’t like this site, why the hell have they ‘surfed’ here. Sort of reminds of the twits that watch tv only to complain about what they watch!!!!! GET A BLOODY LIFE people.
There are plenty of other things to moan about than this.
Keep up the good work.
Rufus said
Ah the ol’ pavlova and Phar Lap trick eh?
What funny name are you going to give him if he ever bothered to defect to your dust bowl?
Punter? Warnie? Gilly Gilly Gilly? or plain old Pup? (does this mean he actually cocks his leg when he pees???)
Secondly, I don’t think Jess can text very well these days considering he put his arm through the toilet window and probably severed half his tendons on his hand… perhaps Warnie can help in this department….
lester smyth said
kiwis are funny pricks
Matt Hobbit said
Hey Ruffus you dick how many races did Phar Lap win before he went to Australia and was trained to be good. Also keep pavolova it is crap anyhow
Slot Cars Toys said
Hey! Can I ask what’s this template you are using in your blog? thanks.
Elegant Grunge (http://michael.tyson.id.au/wordpress) – Admin
figjam said
Hey Jesse cmon over,winners are grinners and losers can please themselves. And at first slup for the aussies is jesse Easy ryder.